The following barhopping walk, which covered 6.5 miles, actually took place back on June 9. This writeup was originally intended to be a substitute Night Ranger column for The Pitch, but it's just too hard to condense 15 bars into a format suitable for print and keep it interesting. So now, without further delay, here's the rundown of that day. (Kudos to Ken for helping with the writing and Seth for taking good notes.)
"I might as well be preparing to write my own obituary."
These were the words going through my mind on Friday an hour before leaving to begin an afternoon of barhopping for this column. I was still recovering from a nasty summer cold, my head was throbbing, and it was 92 degrees outside but there were brews with my name written on them awaiting. Sometimes a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
The rules for these jaunts are simple: you go walking from bar to bar, drink one beer, and move on.
Meeting up with my buddy Seth, we set out on our adventure.
Stop #1: The Caddy Shack, 700 E. 3rd St. (12:55pm)
Setting foot inside the golf-themed bar and grill, we teed off our drinking run alongside the few remaining patrons still there from lunch. Rose, our bartender, not only served us our drinks but also whipped up a batch of butter drizzled popcorn. There is a God.
Beers consumed: Bud Light (me), Bud (Seth)
Back into the heat we went and soon arrived at...
Stop #2: The Red Front, 310 Admiral Blvd. (1:28pm)
The unmistakable bright red paint job made it clear we had found the right place. Now well past lunch hour, we found ourselves alone in this clean, well-maintained gem whose claim to fame is the Red Front Bull Shooters. Don't even think about challenging them to darts, as the Shooters are the Spring 2006 ADA champions.
Beers consumed: one Pale Ale apiece
Stop #3: Tarantino's, 601 McGee (2:00pm)
Three weeks ago this place was known as The Garage but under new management it's been reinvented as Tarantino's, a full-service eatery.
We settled in at the small bar where Trish, our server, poured us our selections and then took our lunch orders.
"This is the first time I've ever used the taps here," she said. Nothing like taking a tap's virginity. I doubt, though, that it'll remember its' first.
With the occasional interruption of a nearby drill as power was being installed to run additional air conditioning, we dined on our food. Seth's tenderloin and thick, seasoned fries were all he had hoped for. My calzone was generously stuffed with hot, melted cheese. Man Food. Food good enough to keep drinkers going.
As we finished up we were startled by the sound of the garage door beginning to close behind us, shutting us off from the rest of the world. Joe, the owner, quickly hit a button and the door reversed its course.
"The neighbor behind us is on the same frequency," Joe laughed, "that's something we'll have fixed soon."
Beers consumed: One Bud Select apiece
Stop #4: The Stables Bar & Grill, 813 Walnut. (3:20pm)
Somewhere between Tarantino's and Stables, I managed to mysteriously cut a 3-inch gash on my leg. Seth pointed out my blood-soaked calf, which I hadn't even noticed, and we walked into the place with me looking like I'd been on the losing side of a break dancing contest.
While I attended to my cut in the restroom, Seth ordered our beers. Guys? Lemme tell you - chicks dig a guy with paper towels pressed to a bleeding leg. You heard it here first.
The Stables interior is very dimly lit as the windows are covered in a dark plastic. About a dozen other people were in there with us, surrounded by the country-western décor and a jukebox playing '50s rock.
Beers consumed: Bud Light (me), Newcastle (Seth)
After finishing our beers we began walking to our next bar as the sound of an unusual amount of sirens blared around us...
Stop #5: The 12th Street Rag, 200 W. 12th. (4:06pm)
Arriving nearly 25 minutes before opening time, we figured we were pinched. The bartender, however, was nice enough to unlock the door and let us inside. We seated ourselves at this very long bar in the lobby of the Marriott Hotel and ordered our round.
The bar includes a large seating area, a dance floor, and a stage with a grand piano. We finished up shortly before the piano player was slated to begin. We weren't in the mood for a melody, but the beer had sure gotten us to feelin' all right.
Beers consumed: Guinness (me), Miller Lite (Seth)
As we headed east to find our next bar we found ourselves at the scene of a horrific bicycle accident that was the reason for the sirens we had heard earlier. Our destination was somewhere just beyond this tragedy.
Arriving at 12th & McGee we looked in both directions trying to find our bar, which was supposed to be where we were standing. Walking a block north revealed nothing. South? Squat. It must have gone out of business, or so I thought. If not for one last quick glance over my shoulder to spy a tiny, unlit sign in a window, I would have passed up on THE find of my Friday afternoon.
Stop #6: Zoo Bar, 1220 McGee (4:40pm)
We stepped in the door and immediately realized we were strangers walking into a place populated entirely by regulars. One woman moved her purse and made room for us so that we could sit.
"What do you have on tap?" we asked.
"Absolutely nothing," she replied.
From that moment we knew this would be our favorite stop.
As we drank our cans o' hooch and looked around, we took in the décor: stuffed animals (we're not talking plush, kids), shelves of liquor that seemed to be leaning forward, and decades of patron-penned writings covering the walls. I was home.
Conversation moved to the bike tragedy that had taken place a block away. We all paused for a moment as the TV aired a live update about the accident. Then a gentleman at the end of the bar wondered aloud if the victim was "one of them 'Bees'" (the Downtown Community Improvement District workers in the yellow and black uniforms).
"I hope not," said a woman two bar stools away. "They help keep out the riff-raff. You know that old bus stop on 13th that's not used anymore? I looked out the office window and I saw two people out there. I turned to my coworker and said 'Call the DCID, those people are fucking!'"
"Excuse me, " Seth asked, "Did you say they were fucking?"
"Yeah, fucking, right there in broad daylight."
"As in 'fucking' fucking?" Seth quizzed.
"Yep, she was straddled on his lap, and they were all grinding up and down."
Huh.
Moments later the weather report came up on TV and the bar erupted with talks about Katie Horner.
"I'm afraid to turn on the TV on a sunny day," began one of the regulars. "She's liable to ruin the whole fuckin' deal. She'll say 'someone having too much fun might have a heart attack and die.'"
"Everyone stay indoors and take cover!" quipped another regular, waiving his arms frantically in the air.
"Damn right," local Zoo Bar legend Larry said. "This bitch is ate up with the dumb shits!"
We did not want to leave this place but had many more places to visit. Just before we left, Seth noticed that the older, white flowing beard-wielding guy to his right drinking Goldschlager.
"So what's the deal with that, is that really flakes of gold?" Seth asked him.
"That's right, it's good for you. Minerals. A couple shots of Goldschlager and then some shots of Patron and you'll be shitting gold Mexican coins the next day...but they ain't worth shit."
Beers consumed: One Miller Lite apiece
If this column were a movie, this next portion would be the montage...
Stop #7: Grinders, 417 E. 18th St. (5:30pm)
Beers consumed: PBR (Seth), Bully! Porter (me)
Stop #8: The Brick, 1727 McGee (6:20pm)
(Where we were joined by Aaron and Bev, aka The New Tragedies)
Beers consumed: PBR (Seth), Miller Lite (me)
Stop #9: The Cigar Box, 1519 Grand (6:58pm)
Due to us arriving just at the end of Happy Hour, we got two beers for the price of one. Usually free beer warrants applause but there are rules to be upheld here. Rules, however, are meant to be broken on occasion. This was one such occasion.
Beers consumed: Two Miller Lites apiece
Stop #10: JP Wine Bar, 1526 Walnut (7:54pm)
Beers consumed: PBR (Seth), Bully! Porter (me)
The next stop wasn't a conventional bar stop, but one we had to make nonetheless.
Stop #11 - The Screenland Theater, 1656 Washington (8:54pm)
Because we arrived here well after the start of the night's last feature, the bartender seemed puzzled by our arrival.
"Um, we're just here to have a drink," Seth said.
A smile grew across the bartender's face. "That's the coolest thing I've heard all night! Come have a seat!"
The Screenland shows current indy flicks along with choice "classics" from time to time. While we drank, I made sure to note that there are three very important films they NEED to show as part of their classics series. "Flash Gordon, Clash of the Titans, and The Last Dragon."
Flash, The Kraken, and Leroy?!? You can all thank me later.
Stop #12: PR's Place, 1741 Washington (9:22pm)
Remember the scene in "Weird Science" when the guys step into the bar alongside Kelly LeBrock and everything immediately goes silent? Well, that happened here...'cept we didn't have Kelly LeBrock with us.
The mostly-Hispanic clientele stopped talking and all eyes locked on us. Heads slowly turned to follow us as we nervously made our way to the empty chairs at the far end of the bar.
The bartender was terrific and, within moments, made us feel welcome. This ended up being one of our favorite stops.
Beers consumed: One Bud apiece
In this last shot I am rotating an imaginary globe in order to try to answer Seth's question about what time it currently was in Germany.
Stop #13: Taqueria Mexico, 910 Southwest Blvd. (10:08pm)
We...were...starving.
"I'm gonna eat the fuck out of this place," Seth said after we were handed our menus. Food!!!
Beers consumed: Carta Blanca (Seth), Dos Eqquis (me)
"Seth and, um, B... um, Seth and...uhhhh... I forgot my name!" fumbled a buzzed Bev, trying to announce that she and Seth wanted some sangria.
Stop #14: La Bodega, 703 Southwest Blvd. (11:08pm)
All we needed was a pitcher of sangria. Finishing that off, we called it a night.
Beers consumed: None, pitcher of Sangria
Our adventure had come to an end. We said our goodnights and parted ways...but I had just one more stop to make.
Stop #15: Winslow's, 20 E. 5th Street. (12:32am)
On other days I've been in to see bikers bending one another over the bar and whooping asses with belts. This was not one of those nights: the band was long gone and place was nice and quiet. I capped my night off with a Guinness.
The total haul came to fifteen bars, fifteen beers, half a pitcher of sangrias, a 3-inch leg gash, and a very tired guy that could only dream that night of a return trip to Zoo Bar in the near future.
Damn you, Katie Horner.
So yesterday (Saturday, June 17) I went on, surprise surprise, another walking barhopping event with my buddy Brandon. 
We got our supper here.
