Living in the Scoot Utopia

We got a nature show at the office today...

Unfortunately we have been left with am empty carcass, a head, a gizzard, a loop of intestine, and a pool of blood and feathers that we have no way to knock down.

Posted by ScooterJ at 08:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

My closest friends know a side of me that few people see -- a dark and obsessive curiosity about death.

The concept of nonexistence both baffles and terrifies me and not a day goes by that I don't wonder about it. A burning want to understand the instant at which "to be" becomes "not to be," restrained by sheer terror that leads me to do all I can to not experience it firsthand.

This obsessive mindset compels me to Google the victim's name each and every time I read an article about someone meeting an untimely death. I feel a need to find out who they were, what they accomplished, and how they came to an end. Most importantly: I want to see that there is something on record, somewhere, telling the world that this person once existed and did something.

All of this dark aspect of my psyche I can, with near certainty, trace to a vague childhood memory that has been stuck in my head for years. I remember sitting next to my dad in a movie theater, to his left. On the screen before me, two animated mechanical mice -- father and son -- were being beaten to death by a large rock. The screen showed the attack from the perspective of the mice, with the rock smashing down and filling the entire screen with its blackness.

I remember feeling sick to my stomach and being very upset. I remember other children in the theater crying. I remember asking my dad if that was what it was like to die.

For decades this image has been stuck in my head, I have been completely unable to shake it. Every time my mind conjours it up the feelings of nausea and fear return.

I spent much of my adult life wondering what movie this was that I had seen. The closest I ever came to finding an answer was speculation that it might have been an obscure scene from The Rescuers, perhaps edited out for today's audiences. But last week I finally discovered the real source of my memory.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you in its entirety, the 1977 animated feature The Mouse And His Child:

The movie is an adaptation of a novel of the same name by Russell Hoban. The novel is a dark, philosophical allegory peppered with frequent, sudden deaths of many characters. Though about toy mice it was never intended to be a children's book, but in the United States that's exactly how it wwas marketed. Thus, when adapted for the screen, this dark philosophical allegory was also promoted to what was most likely too young of an audience:

The movie version of the story follows the adventures of a pair of wind-up toy mice who come into existence in a toy shop and wonder who they are and what the world is. After being damaged in a mishap they wind up in the dump, where they are taken captive by a group of wicked rats who enslave discarded toys. The mice escape and go on a quest to understand the world, find a family, and become self-winding so they do not have to rely on others.

~~~SPOILERS BELOW~~~

As I watched the movie the other day, all of the images that had been "forgotten" for the past 30 years re-entered my conscious memory. Such as the fall of the mice. Such as the brutal dismemberment death of a donkey. Such as the sudden death by eaten of a rat that we had become somewhat endeared with. Such as the beating of a squirrel. Such as the eating of several minor characters. Such as the infinitely-regressing dog food label. Such as the uprising against the rats on the railroad tracks. And, of course, such as the beating to death of the film's heros. (Then there's that psychadelic final scene!)

~~~END SPOILERS~~~

The movie is a living contradiction. The animation style is simultaneously awkward and beautiful, with dialogue that alternates between childlike innocence and complex philosophical musings. The musical score is both as memorable and appropriate as it also seems suited for a 1970s TV show. Overall it seems aimed directly at small children, but its messages are more suited for adults.

In researching this movie online I found that I was not alone. A great many people around my age have shared similar stories of being plagued by a faint memory of one of the film's disturbing scenes and a great sense of relief to finally find the movie their memories had come from.

If you have the time (it's about 77 minutes) I do recommend watching the YouTube video. The film truly is a remarkable work of art, it was simply exhibited to the wrong audience.

Posted by ScooterJ at 06:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

For most of my life I had a vague memory fluttering in my head. A witch, serving pancakes in a breakfast restaurant, that when you eat them make you happy. The spell was shown by a freeze frame as colorful dots splashed across the screen.

In my teens, no one I ever mentioned this to had any idea what I was talking about. I began to think it was maybe just something I had dreamed. But in my early adult years, I found one person who shared the same vague memory. He used the term "happy dots" to describe the spell, so I coined the name "Happy Pancake Witch" to describe this shared memory.

On October 1, 1991, I made my first attempt to use the Internet to find the answer. But there were not enough people my age online yet, and no answer was found.

Over the next couple of years I found one or two more people with a similar memory who were able to give me a little more detail. I searched the Internet Movie Database (which at the time did not have a Web site as those did not exist yet -- in the early days you uses shell scripts at the command line, then later you emailed in queries using a special syntax and eventually after it processed you'd get an email back with the results) with the new clues and still came up with nothing.

On June 17, 1994 I made another online plea, this time with a little more success. I got a few more details, but still no answer.

In early 1995 I created a web site called The Happy Pancake Witch that listed a compilation of all the clues I had received and asked people to email me if they had more information. Results began coming in and as more elements of the plot came together, I noticed that everyone I found with this shared memory was born between 1966 and 1972. And, finally, I got the clue that would solve the mystery. Someone thought that the title might contain the word "winter".

I telneted in to the Library of Congress server (no web site back then) and queried for all publications containing the word "winter" in the title that had the word "witch" mentioned in the synopsis. Before long I had a potential candidate, a 1969 short film titled "Winter of the Witch."

I telneted into the Kansas City Public Library server (again no web site yet) and did a search for this title. Not only did I find that they had a VHS copy avaialbe, it was located at the branch less than a mile from where I was sitting!

I ran to the library the next day and checked it out. I took it home, popped it into the VCR, and sat back to watch. Immediately the memories started pouring back. It wasn't a mass hallucination, the Happy Pancacke Witch was real!

More details from The Mythical Movie Guide

Based upon th children's book Old Black Witch by Wende and Harry Devlin, it tells the story of a mother and her son who move into a house that they got very cheap. They soon discover that the house is haunted by a 300-year-old witch who is depressed because since the modern world is such a scary place no one needs witches anymore. The mom agrees to let the witch stay and live in the attic. Eventually the witch finds a way to stay busy, whipping up batches of pancakes containing a potion that makes you happy. The mom opens a restaurant and people come from miles to eat these happy pancakes. Finally the witch reveals her plan: to make everyone in the world happy enough that it's once again possible for them to be scared of witches.

Today the "Winter of the Witch" is not so hard to find online. It has a full entry at the Internet Movie Database and a homemade DVD is available. But nearly everwhere you go online you find the same things posted in the user comments: people around my age who have been haunted their entire lives by vague memories of a pancake-making witch and her "happy dots", all expressing joy and relief at finally identifying what it was they were remembering.

Posted by ScooterJ at 11:08 AM | Permalink | Comments (23)

As you may remember, 3 weekends ago B and I did a nice round of KCK barhopping. We had concentrated mainly on the outer areas of town and decided to save the inner area for a later visit. Well, this past weekend B's brother D was in town for his annual birthday visit an B suggested that the three of us go out on Saturday to tackle the next section of KCK.

Now, two weekends ago another fella (who I'll call FB) and I went out for some on-foot downtown KCMO barhopping. We were joined by B for about half of it and I even got in 4 new bars that day (Cafe Al Dente, Los Tules, Padddy O'Quigley's, and Madrigal). But somewhere along the way shots started coming into play and after only 16 bars I was trashed and spent most of the following day miserable. So I was a little hesitant at first, but I was anxious to meet B's brother. Plus, B and I both paid the price for those shots and learned our lesson, so I knew none would come into play (at least not for me).

We discovered on our last KCK barhopping trip that many of KCK's bars are registered as private clubs, a concept that seems to be unique to this portion of the metro area. In the outlying areas they all served us, but as we got closer to the core of KCK we found more and more places that would buzz us in but then refuse us service. Eventually our success rate dwindled to about 50-50. Only one place would even tell us how to become a member. "It's my first day, the owner hasn't told me how that works yet" was a common mantra recited by various bartenders at these places. Some of the friendlier bartenders at places that did serve us tried to explain to us the differences in regulations surrounding private clubs but everyone seemed to have a different theory.

So barhopping in KCK is both an adventure and an aggravation because it's a crapshoot and there's really no way of telling until after you have been buzzed in and pull up a stool if they're going to be willing to serve you or not. With the exception of one anecdote, the following is the tale of the places that did serve us this past Saturday.

Our day began shortly after 10:00 in the morning...

#1: Dad's Hole In The Wall
State Ave, Kansas City, KS [map]


This was a nice, tiny little spot. Bar seating for 9, with a total capacity of 32. Almost completely invisible from the main road, you have to be looking for it to find it.






We needed to kill some time before more bars would open so stopped by a McDonald's for breakfast. We then headed on down to Argentine to resume our journey.

#2: Reich's Club
Argentine, Kansas City, KS [map]


Despite the name this place had little to do with WW2 Germany. However it was a little bunker-like. After entering the front door you proceed down a long central corridor to another door towards the back where you are then buzzed in.


#3: Country Cabaret (CC Club)
Armourdale, Kansas City, KS [map]


This was like being in an entirely different world. The ultimate Mexican country-western bar experience. The bartender passing out free homemade tamales as the sounds of donkeys braying punctuate the music. The men's room was unusual too, facing the bar with only a partial saloon door offering any semblance of privacy.

Inside the men's room we noticed that evidently condom peddlers are patriotic and support right-wing conservative issues:






#4: Casino Bar
Armourdale, Kansas City, KS [map]


With an interior finish of the finest particle board, this place looked like it had the potential to get pretty rough. There were several interesting characters about, but most of the people were pretty pleasant. The bartender was particularly helpful as he tried to explain the concept of KCK's private clubs and why some serve us and others don't.


In an eerie moment, B brought up General Custer as a metaphor while I was driving around looking for a place to park near our next stop. I then rounded the corner and found that the next street was Custer Lane. Creepy.

#5: Alibi's
Armourdale, Kansas City, KS [map]


This almost went on the list of places that refused to serve us, but a customer "remembered" B and vouched for us to get us in. We of course reciprocated with a beer. And, B and D had actually been here before and never had a problem until now.


#6: Oasis: The Club
Armourdale, Kansas City, KS [map]


This was another rough looking place but we were comfortable enough to sit and play several rounds at the trivia box. The restroom however was one of the nastiest I've seen. The sink was grimey enough that B wouldn't use it, figuring it would make his hands dirtier. The toilet was clogged with cigarette butts, and the trash can had been put to use as a toilet. Naturally, i took a picture.




#7: Club Sparks
Armourdale, Kansas City, KS [map]


This was a bonus bar, we were actually heading next door to a place called Carol's Place that for whatever reason was not open.

This place, open for only a few months now, was really nice and looking to be proving quite popular. It was very clean with a great smell (how often can you say that about a bar?) and they were serving up the Saturday taco special. Our bartender was the owner and was terrific. This may have been the most expensive bar of the day, as well as in this area, but it looks like it's going to do very well.


#8: Pam's Pizza & Pub
Park Drive, Kansas City, KS [map]


We were hoping this would be more pub than pizza place, and we were in luck. :) The bartender gave D a birthday shot.


#9: Gossip Inn
Park Drive, Kansas City, KS [map]


Had we realized how close this was to Pam's, we could have gotten here faster by walking. :) The pool table was free of charge today (quarters provided at the bar) so we played a couple of games.


#10: Dotlander's
Central, Kansas City, KS [map]


The bar was full so we had to sit at a nearby table.

A few barhopping trips I coined what I refer to as The K Axiom, which states that when B and I are out for drinks the topic of conversation will turn to a discussion of our mutual friend K after about 10 bars. So, to test the axiom, I had gone out of my way not to mention K at all today. But, like clockwork, D suddenly asked over our 10th beer, "By the way, what's K up to?" It still holds true! :)

As we left, we noticed my lousy parking job...




#11: Hideout Club
Central, Kansas City, KS [map]


I believe this was the bar where "The Perfect Storm" was playing on TV, and we discussed the futility of watching a 2-hour drama that's based on a true story where everyone dies at the end anyway.


Now our next stop, Dixie's Club, we had been warned probably wouldn't let us in. We decided to give it a try anyway. While circling around the block to park I was nearly clipped by a speeding car that passed me on a one-lane road. It happened in front of this house:





We entered Dixie's and immediately faced a grilling not only from the bartender but also from a customer at the end of the bar. "Check their membership cards! They don't belong here! Throw them out!" he kept shouting as the bartender nagged a Mexican family who also were not members. This wasn't necessary at all, we had respected the rules everywhere we have been, but this customer was being way too much of an asshole about it. So, noticing that he was reading the new Harry Potter book, B leaned in and told him how it ended as we were heading towards the door.

We stepped outside into the blistering heat and saw The Blue Rose across the street. D and I were tired of being tossed out of places (Dixie's had made about 5 today) so B went to go check it out. After a few minutes of standing in the heat without a peep from B, we decided to go see what was happening only to find B sitting comfortably in the A/C halfway through his frosty cold beer.


#12: Blue Rose
Central, Kansas City, KS [map]


The bartender gave us membership applications, the only private club we found that actually offered a way to become a member, and poured our beers.


#13: Johnnie's Sports Bar
Strawberry Hill, Kansas City, KS [map]


We'd tried to come here 3 weekends ago but that was on a Sunday and they were closed. Behind the bar sits a really cool little brick street neighborhood.


#14: Chicago's
Strawberry Hill, Kansas City, KS [map]


Another busy place, the 3 of us crowded around the far end of the bar. Chicago's is the buildding down on the corner, I forgot to get a picture until we were about to leave so had a lousy vantage point.


#15: Sammy's Tavern
Strawberry Hill, Kansas City, KS [map]


Once we arrived, B and D realized that they had actually been here before.


#16: Six-Ten Club
Strawberry Hill, Kansas City, KS [map]


B & D thought they had been here before as well.


#17: The View
Strawberry Hill, Kansas City, KS [map]
I forgot to take a picture of this place, located about halfway up the bluff. We played several rounds of trivia here. This may have been a gay-friendly bar based upon the rainbow-colored Bud Light clock and the colorful beer tap.


We came back to downtown KCMO and made three more stops, none of which were new for me but all of which were new for D (and one new for B).

#18: Zoo Bar We arrived just after closing but they were nice enough to let us come in anyway. (Another reason why this is one of my favorite bars!)

#19: Red Front Several more rounds of trivia were played here. As we left, D noticed another of my infamous lousy parking jobs:



#20: Comedy City Cari served us up the final beers of the night while an alchohol-induced funk settled over us.

Our final tally came to 20 beers over an 11 hour period. Not too bad. I fell asleep quickly on getting home and awoke the next day feeling great. Much better than two weekends ago! Beer good... shots bad!

Posted by ScooterJ at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

I spotted this Chinese food delivery service magnet stuck to a vending machine last night...

Posted by ScooterJ at 06:31 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Or at least that's what she might as well be saying as she flagrantly mocks the struggles of amputees in her latest film, "I Know Who Killed Me."

In this "suspense" "thriller" that strains credibility to such an extent that by the climax the audience was actually laughing, Lohan spends much of the first half of the movie as a double-amputee. But then, just as the special effects budget was running out, Crab Man saved the day by fitting her with prosthetic limbs in a single office visit and covering them with latex gloves so that no more money had to be spent digitally erasing her limbs.

Then, after mere minutes of demonstration (evident by the lack of a montage that would normally appear at this point, not to mention that the entire movie seems to take place over a 3-week period), Lohan completely masters the use of her new limbs. Just a few days after losing an arm and a leg, Lohan is now walking normally and able to grasp objects with ease. Other people such as Cameron who spend months in physical therapy learning to use their new limbs are chumps by comparison.

And while dorks like Cameron have to have special legs designed for different purposes -- one set for stairs and one set for running, for example -- and spend weeks to months mastering the use of each set, Lohan's all-purpose leg has her running, using stairs, crouching, climbing, and slinking about without any practice whatsoever! All she has to worry about is remembering to recharge her leg, but even that is quickly remedied because the charge running out only seems to create a few seconds of inconvenience while crossing the street before full functionality "miraculously" returns.

Surprisingly, this was not the worst movie I've seen in the 2007 Bad Movie Night season, but it's definitely in the Top 5.

Posted by ScooterJ at 11:48 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)