Living in the Scoot Utopia

As I close in on my 300th bar (I expect to reach that milestone sometime in June) I thought it was about time I did a retrospective of my Top Twenty Favorite Bars That I Have Visited.

#20: Twilighter Country Club. Topeka, KS [map]. Finding this place was a complete fluke. It wasn't on the list of places we were going to check out, but we got lost and found ourselves on a strip of some of the grungiest dive bars we have ever seen. At first our visit here seemed run-of-the-mill, but our experience soon showed us that this was everything a real dive bar needs to be.

This place was exactly what we set out on these adventures hoping to find.

We took our seats to the left of man on oxygen who hacked up his lungs repeatedly throughout our visit. To his right, around the corner of the bar, were two women who sounded like they were in their young 20s but looked like they were in their mid 50s. Our heavily-pierced bartender seemed annoyed by our presence and frustrated that the requests of her customers were interrupting her lunch of onion rings, while swarms of insects attacked Brandon in the men's room.

As we were finishing our beers a completely dissheveled looking vagrant came stumbling in wearing only pants -- no shirt, no shoes, no socks.

"You have to have a shirt to come in here," the bartender told him.

The two of them began arguing, with the bum claiming the owner lets him in shirtless all the time and that he'll just go somewhere else. "You'll get the same answer anywhere else," she told him. They continued fighting and finally the bartender told him he was banned from ever coming back.

"I don't give a fat fuck!" shouted the shirtless guy.

"Good, now get the fuck out," yelled the bartender back at him.

Once he was gone, Brandon and I started laughing. "I'm so sorry about that, guys," the bartender said to us. "Oh no problem," we said, "that was great!"

Leaving the bar, we immediately spotted another shirtless guy who really should not have been. We tried to get a good picture but he kept looking our way so this was the best we could do...

#19: Darlene's Place. Ellston, IA [map] . This was just a nice, down-to-earth find in a small town miles off the beaten path in south-central Iowa. Friendly and welcoming, this place is the lifeblood of a town so small it's barely even on the map.

"We're damn lucky to have this place," said one of the two locals having a few drinks inside. "I don't know how much longer we'll have it, though, the owner's getting up in years," he added. I really wanted to get a picture of these guys, they were the classic extremely-rural older farmers. We sat at the short-end of this L-shaped bar in this well-lit space and enjoyed the presence of a stuffed and mounted goat head on the wall smoking a cigarette.

#18: Buzzard Beach. Westport, Kansas City, MO. [map]. This is one of the few bars in Westport that I don't mind going to. A true dive. There's an upper and lower level, plus a deck upstairs. If you're a guy and you use the restroom, position yourself well or you risk giving the entire upstairs room an eyeful if someone opens the door. CASH ONLY!

#17: The Bar. North Chouteau, Kansas City, MO [map]. This is the most remote of five bars that make up part of a heavily-Italian circuit in the northeastern park of KC's core. (The others being The Caddy Shack, Tarantino's, The Red Front, and Anthony's.) An older working-class crowd in the early evening gives way to an extremely young mostly Italian crowd by late night. A classic dive with good mixed drinks and good prices on its beer.

#16: Oak Tree Lounge. North Kansas City, MO [map]. Just a nice, down-to-earth dive in North Kansas City. Live music on the weekends, ample seating, and a welcoming group of regulars.

#15: Slow Ride Roadhouse. Lawrence, KS [map]. I like biker bars, and of the handful I've been to I'd have to say this was the coolest. Clean, cool decor, and good people.

#14: Bert's Pub & Grub. Afton, IA [map]. This was a really cool looking building and looked like a place you'd expect to find in one of the older downtown areas in KC. It had an awesome wood floor, very high ceiling, and a bar wrapped in leather. Our bottles were served up in beer cozies. We noticed what looked like an old fashioned elevator in the back and asked the bartender about it. She told us that the building used to be a Gamble's department store and that the elevator was hand-operated -- you simply pulled on a rope and an elaborate system of pulleys would lower and raise the platform with ease. It had been used to bring goods upstairs in the past, now they use it to take out their trash. She got on and gave us a demonstration of how it worked. Later she showed us old pictures of the building as a department store, then took us to the back room that to our surprise was set up for pole dancing and cage dancing. We ended up tripling our tip.

#13: Anthony's. North Downtown Loop, Kansas City, MO [map]. A pretty decent Italian restaurant by day, at night it transforms into a popular destination bar featuring live music and crooners (including a Sinatra impersonator). Staffed with good, friendly peopleand attracting simultaneously an older crowd and a very young crowd. Its main attraction is probably it's 3am closing time, a rare find in this part of town, making it a place where other nearby bartenders and servers are often seen at the end of their shifts.

#12: Liquor Lyle's. South Midtown, Minneapolis, MN [map]. In addition to a good selection of domestic and local beers, this place features a "shagadelic" 60s decor that seems straight out of Austin Powers' bachelor pad. Troughs are common in the men's rooms around here but this place had the most high-quality one we saw.

#11: The Caddy Shack. Columbus Park, Kansas City, MO [map]. Downtown's truest dive bar and part of the circuit popular among the local Italian population. Like "The Bar" (#17 on this list), a working-class crowd by day gives way to an extremely young crowd at night. The owner is a great guy and all of the bartenders are very friendly. The bar features two pool tables, darts, free popcorn, and cheap late-night pizza. This place is frequently busy, and on the occasional night they do karaoke it's almost too packed to breathe.

#10: The Chip Shot. North Kansas City, MO [map]. Another golf-themed bar, though this one lives up to the theme quite a bit more. A nice bar with a fairly good beer selection, lots of room, and lots of ammenities. This bar ranks high on my list because of its proximity to downtown and because unlike some places on the Swift corridor it is reliably and consistently open on weeknights and Saturdays. But the main thing I give this place props for its its food. Some of the best bar food I've experienced, and it's cheap and served late. Worth a try!

#9: Buddies. Midtown, Kansas City, MO [map]. A lot of people are terrified of this place, thinking it's just way too hard core. But we had a good time there. Sure, we got hit on, but so what? The customers were friendly and welcoming and didn't mind that we were just there for the good selection of beer and nothing more. Besides, where else in town can you play a game of pool against a lesbian with a mullet?

#8: The Velvet Dog. [map]. The first time I came here, about 5 years ago, I hated it. I couldn't stand all the pretentious artsy-fartsy trendy people. It's since grown on me, I can't tell if it's that the V-Dog has changed or if I've just become less uptight. Anyway, of the trendy upscale bars, this one is now by far my favorite. A funky, relaxing lounge atmosphere with multiple rooms and two levels. It also has a fantastic, large patio in the back that, when busy, is serviced by its own bar.

#7: Elly's Lake Front Tap. Clear Lake, IA [map]. Walking into this place almost feels like trespassing, the bar operates in the basement of what otherwise appears to be a private residence. But once inside we were quickly welcomed by the friendly locals. As expected beer selection is limited to the basic domestics, but what makes this place so fascinating is the massive collection of artifacts and memorabilia of Clear Lake's place in music history. (Clear Lake is where Buddy Holly, Richie Valenze, and the Big Bopper had their final performance before their plane crashed just north of town the next morning.)

#6: The Bulldog. Crossroads, Kansas City, MO [map]. Though a little pricey and upscale, this is one of my favorite bars in town. The focus is on mixed drinks from the prohibition area and before so be sure to get a drink menu and try some of the interesting concoctions from the past. Vince, the piano player, can play just about any song you throw his way as you enjoy your drinks.

The main bar area can get very crowded on weekends (much of the space is taken up by the restaurant) but the bar in back (called Bill's Back Door I think) is sometimes open to handle the overflow. That back bar can also be reserved for private events.





#5: Stand-Up Frank's. North Midtown, Minneapolis, MN [map]. Known for the stiffest drinks in all of Minneapolis.

This was a classic old building with a great age-worn bar that ran the length of the building. It featured a dark, ornate ceiling, antique cash registers, and the first coin-operated bumper pool table we'd ever seen. Brandon wanted to get a picture of the pool table but two people were using it as a table to read the paper. So Brandon went over to ask them if he could get a shot, and that's how we met Gary and Laura. They were incredibly nice and told us about the neighborhood we were in and places we should check out later, including the stop were we would get lunch that we would have completely missed if not for them. They explained that these bars open early to serve third-shift blue-collar workers, and that by evening it would be an entirely different kind of crowd here. Gary bought us a shot of chilled Vodka that was really good but we could not finish -- but apparently when you buy a shot here it comes with a refill.

#4: O'Malley and Sons. Weston, MO [map]. This place is just cool all around. From the live music, to their own line of brews, to the good food, to the cool owners, and the largest Irish Fest in the KC area. But to me what really makes this place stand out is the facility itself. Located in a former 19th-century ammunition bunker, a series of tunnels starting in the small surface-building take you to three separate undergound chambers: the main upper-level bar with a stage, a more intimate mid-level chamber featuring a projection screen television, and finally the cavernous lower chamber with an additional stage and elevated seating constructed up each wall. Well worth the drive!

#3: Grinders. Crossroads, Kansas City, MO [map]. Owned by local sculptor Stretch, this place singlehandledly opened up an entirely new area to redevelopment and quickly became one of KC's most popular places. An amazing selection of beer on tap highlights the quirky atmosphere. You can also enjoy some great sandwiches, the signature Death Wings, and some terrific pizza. Both indoor and outdoor seating is available, and a new outdoor stage will place host to concerts throughout the summers. Only caveat -- you can usually expect slow service.

#2: Zoo Bar. Arena District, Kansas City, MO [map]. In business for at least the last 25 years, Zoo Bar is a true hidden gem. Tucked away "across from the Board of Education, next to the wig shop" as one bartender put it, this tiny hard-to-find dive is a popular hangout for lawyers and various City employees. But don't let that scare you away, the regulars are the most welcoming, friendly, and fun bunch of people I've ever met in any bar. The only available beer is in cans so don't bother asking what's on tap, but if your timing is right (such as, say, Saturday afternoon), you'll be invited to enjoy a free buffet of food home-cooked by the owner. One word of caution, this place doesn't stay open very late so try to catch it early.

My first visit to the Zoo Bar

And my number 1 favorite bar is still (no big surprise here)...

#1: Harry's Country Club. River Market, Kansas City, MO [map]. What can I say about a place I like so much I've been to it somewhere between 200 and 250 times? Hands down the absolute best bar in Kansas City! I go here more often than any other place, visiting at least once a week for the past 3 years and counting. Great tap beer selection including all the local Bouelvard favorites, plus an extensive collection of bottled imports. Great food too! Live music some nights on the outdoor stage. Outdoor patio is a great place to people-watch or drink under the stars in front of the backdrop of the downtown skyline. On chillier nights there may even be a fire going in the outdoor firepit. The jukebox continuously plays a good mix of classic country, Sinatra, and other gems from a bygone era. A small humidor contains a respectable selection of cigars. The bartenders are highly skilled and both the bartenders and the servers make an effort to get to know you and remember you. Just an all around great place!

Honorable Mentions. These bars almost made the cut and remain high on my list: The Peanut Downtown (Quality Hill, Kansas City, MO), Minsky's (City Market, Kansas City, MO), The Drum Room (Power & Light District, Kansas City, MO), Record Bar (Westport, Kansas City, MO), Pat's Pub (North Kansas City, MO), Tommy Farha's (Waldo, Kansas City, MO), Fin's (Waldo, Kansas City, MO), Bobby Baker's (Waldo, Kansas City, MO), The Gaf (Waldo, Kansas City, MO), Chez Charlie's (Westport, Kansas City, MO), Stables (Downtown, Kansas City, MO), PR's Place (West Side, Kansas City, MO), G&L Bar & Grill (Diagonal, IA), Matt's Bar (Minneapolis, MN), Dusty's Bar (Nord East, Minneapolis, MN), The 1029 Bar (Nord East, Minneapolis, MN), Bar (Lenexa, KS), Knuckleheads (East Bottoms, Kansas City, MO), Stardust Club (Kansas City, KS), Karen's Kozy Kabin (Scarritt, Kansas City, MO), VFW Post 5606 (Oak Ridge, Kansas City, MO), Bar Natasha (Crossroads, Kansas City, MO), Blue (Lenexa, KS), Helen's Hilltop (Tonganoxie, KS), Lumberyard (Chapman, KS), Knuckleheads Tavern (Salina, KS)

Demoted bars:. These bars would have once made the Top 20 list but not anymore:
- Kennedy's (Waldo, Kansas City, MO) - Not their fault, but unless they re-open after burning down I can't keep them on the list. :(
- The Quaff (Quality Hill, Kansas City, MO) - Used to be a weekly hangout, but their credit card surcharges and frequently putting extra drinks on our tabs drove us away. Plus having that guy interrupt you every 30 seconds to check for empty bottles gets REALLY irritating.
- Winslow's (City Market, Kansas City, MO) - This was a twice-weekly hangout for me for over a year. But in the past few months nearly all the fun employees have vanished, and then 2 weeks ago they really dicked over their regulars the way they handled their odd decision to cancel karaoke. Haven't been back since.