Living in the Scoot Utopia

Yesterday at a company lunch I was getting picked on for my eating habits. I am an extremely finnicky eater and the rules that determine my food selections are, to many, borderline absurd. The only thing people can truly rely on when feeding me is...

You can't go wrong with cow.

Unless, of course, you mix it with onions and ketchup and breadcrumbs and turn it into nasty-ass meatloaf. Cooking it improperly will also cause me to pass on it. Basically, anything from medium on up is improperly cooked. When it comes to hamburger, the only way I'll eat one that's cooked above medium-rare is if it's taken all the way to black-charred and served with a heaping helping of a jus.

When it comes to meats, just about any will do. Any critter with a spinal column is fair game for a sampling. Though of the vast array of wildlife I have consumed so far, I don't really care for alligator... and frogs just gross me out altogether.

When it comes to invertebrates, however, my tastes are more limited. Limited pretty much to shrimp. Lots of shrimp. Any way Bubba can cook it, I can eat it.

Fried clams rock. Calimari is ok of it's deep fried and tossed with peppers and I can't see any of the suckers. Lobster is also okay from time to time. Crab is tasty but I preper imitation crab -- real crab is too much work for too little meat payoff. Oysters and Crawdads are gross.

One of my main rules on meat is that it must be distinguishable as the muscular tissue of a critter. If it's processed in any way, I won't eat it. Exceptions: sausage and pepperoni.

Now lets move beyond the animal kingdom into the world of plants. Here is a list of all the fruits I will eat:

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Now lets move on to vegetables. I will eat the following vegetables cooked:

Broccoli.

Corn on the cob.

That's it. And the "on the cob" part is key. If the corn has been scraped off the cob, I won't eat it.

For raw vegetables, my list is slightly longer:

Broccoli.

Spinach.

Lettuce.

Peas.

Each of these veggies is to be eaten alone... I do not combine them with anything else with the exception of bacon bits and parmesean cheese on my otherwise dry salads.

That is the extent of the plants I eat.

Breadwise, I'll only eat whole whole wheat or rye bread, and it must be fresh and warm. White bread I do not consider to be fit for human consumption, unless it's sourdough. I won't eat sliced bread and do not eat sandwiches made with it. (Sandwiches made with rolls are ok, but I will not eat hamburger or hot dog buns.) I prefer the crust over the bready part.

In the world of cheese my rule is simple: I only eat white cheese. And don't try fool me with white versions of traditionally orange cheeses... I can see past your white cheddar and white american tricks. (American cheese is another food I do not consider hit for human consumption.)

All condiments are disgusting to me and I do not use them... except for dry seasonings. Ketchup, mustard, mayo, and pickes are the absolute worst offenders. Apart from salsa (which must be served at room temperature or warmer and must be spicy hot), the only wet condiment I ever use is BBQ sauce, and it must be a spicy, low-sweetness variety, cannot be cold, and must come in contact only with the meat. I will not eat bread or fries that touch the sauce. All salad dressings must stay far away from my food.

Speaking of fries... do not crisp my fries. They must be wriggly.

I do not like white gravy or any sort of cream sauce. This includes pesto and alfredo. Blech. I do not like chunks in my salsa nor onions in my tomato sauce. I will not eat spaghetti nor linguini but will eat pasta made with larger noodles.

"I do not drink Doctors or Misters." Meaning, no Dr. Pepper, no Mr. Pibb. I also cannot stand the taste of cola. When it comes to soda, I prefer Diet Sprite but will drink regular Sprite, 7-Up, root beer, orange soda, and grape soda. I prefer my beer dark but in a pinch I'll drink Miller Light. I cannot stand milk and seeing anyone drinking it makes me feel queasy.

I do not like nuts or potato chips. Actually any chips, for that matter, except for plain or spicy tortilla chips. My popcorn must be either plain or buttered and served hot.

Dessert-wise, the number one thing that shocks people is that I do not like ice cream. I'll sometimes eat soft-serve but only iof it's chocolate. I don't like the texture of frozen treats and I cannot stand knowing I'm eating basically frozen milk. I also don't like glazed donuts. I don't like the flavors vanilla, caramel, butterscotch, or coconut.

That pretty much covers the basic set of rules. Now for some fun contradictions:

• Though I will not eat any fruit and find the taste of most of them to be godawful, I love 100% pure unsweetened grape juice and, if I'm extremely thirsty, I'll rarely drink apple juice.
  
• I like tea and I like the taste of lemon but I cannot stand lemon in my tea.
  
• I do not like nots but I love Smokehouse almonds. I also like sunflower seeds but only if they are salted and already out of the shell. I like pistacios too but they must be served in the shell.
  
• I do not like the taste of bee vomit so honey is right out. However if I am eating sopapillas, bring on the honey!
  
• I detest tomatoes but I love tomato sauce.
  
• I cannot stand milk and I do not like ice cream. But combine them into the form of a shake (or even better a malt) and I love it.
  
• I do not like vanilla. Vanilla is my favorite icing on cake donuts.
  
• I don't like chocolate milk but I like hot chocolate made with milk.
  
• Though I cannot stand to eat them, I use peppers and onions in most of my cooking at home. (I make some of the hottest food you could ever taste!)

Now you know the main rules governing what I eat. So feed me, dammit! :)