Blast From The Past - BMN
Just because I haven't gotten around to posting anything in the "Movies" category yet, here are some excerpts from some of my favorite reviews that I wrote for my old Bad Movie Night web site:
Babe: Pig In the City ...I don't care what the official credits say, this movie's screenplay was written by Torquemada and the director was Josef Mengele. "Babe: Pig in the City" is a sick, psychotic, nightmarish, ugly, painful, and pointless movie that has absolutely no business being marketed to children. Please, do NOT take your children to see this movie. They will be upset. They will be terrified. They will have nightmares...Blackenstein
...Though technically blaxploitation, "Blackenstein" lacks several of the elements traditionally found in this genre. There is no hero who sleeps with all of the women. There is no plot focusing on drugs or prostitution. It does not seem to be about killing Whitey or bringing down The Man -- Eddie kills people of all races and, in fact, Dr. Stein himself is white and is not the focus of Eddie's wrath....
...If you should decide to see this movie, pay particular attention to Eddie's fascination with intestines. If you can figure it out, let me know. I'm stumped...The Crawling Eye
...the only places on Earth with a climate this species can survive is the peaks of mountains, leaving the aliens to the cumbersome task of wiping out the Earth one mountaineer at a time...Deep Rising
...Here we have a creature that is about the size of your average Taco Bell, yet it is able to slink around the ship unnoticed, sliding through ducts and crawlspaces and attack people through fume hoods and toilets...Glen or Glenda
...Lugosi is not a homosexual, nor is he a transvestite (the term used by medical science to describe a person who prefers to wear the clothing of the opposite sex), a pseudo-hermaphrodite, nor a lovely and intelligent woman. No, he is a drug-addicted former vampire who sits in a chair offering completely meaningless babble into the insights of the infinite depths of a man's mind....
...Check it out as Dr. Alton gets turned on while describing Alan's transformation into Ann...I Know What You Did Last Summer
...Victims in a confined space will always seek the escape route of most resistance. Thus, when Helen realizes the killer is in the building with her (while standing within arm's reach of the front door), she chooses to instead exit through a third-story window...Lost In Space
...The movie is called "Lost in Space".
1) We have to sit through about 45 minutes of family bickering before anyone even goes into space.
2) Once the Robinson family finally does get lost, they are lost in space for about 5 minutes before they find something familiar and a star map that can lead them home.
3) They then spend most of the rest of the movie lost in TIME.
4) They finally get lost in SPACE again just in time for the closing credits.
Scared To Death
..."Scared to Death" is a mystery, what caused a "beautiful" young woman to die? Of course, that mystery is no mystery to those who happen to know the film's title...The Time Machine (2002)
...In the book, it is a catastrophic war that causes the fall of civilization and the split of the races. In the 1960 film it is a nuclear war (in the 1970s I believe). The common message in both masterpieces is an anti-war theme... a message that war could eventually get out of control and destroy forever all that we hold dear. The only message in this version of the story is "never colonize the Moon."...